A week ago, my son's history teacher asked the class to write their take on the evolution of man and to be creative about it. Karwin wanted to tackle it from the perspective of reconciling the creation and big bang theories and came up with this gem. The title is a bit controversial so apologies to those whose sensibilities will be offended by his apparent irreverence. We know that God will not mind, though.
The Book of Atheist
by: Karwin Andrew Go-Perez
HS III-Gonzales
A reading from the book of Atheist 14:13-{insert random number here}
In the beginning there was a primordial mess. The world was filled to the brim with lightning and sulfuric gases, needless to say, it smelled like [censored]. The waters of this primordial world boiled in the heat and the lightning. As the chemicals in the water were stirred (and hit by lightning multiple times) something amazing happened. Then lo God said: "Let these chemicals become the building blocks of life". And lo God madeth Deoxyribonucleic Acid! And God was pleased.
500 something years after, the Deoxyribonucleic Acid continued to evolve. "Lo and behold I the Lord Sovereign Almighty God hath made Bacteria". This brand new creation of God covered every surface and fed on the sulphur. The air of earth now smelled like a pile of horse [censored]. that was kept in a damp room for a couple of hundred years. At this, God was annoyed, until he discovered nose clips, then God was pleased.
Many years later, the bacteria that smelled like [censored]. began to turn green and evolve. These bacteria were on a chemical called chlorophyll, they began to give off oxygen. This oxygen allowed for further development; God was taking a nap so he was neither pleased nor displeased.
God woke up. He looked upon his resting grounds and found tiny little worms in his bathtub. These worms continued to evolve. God looked away, when he looked back then he saw that Trilobytes, giant (car size) Sea Scorpions and all manner of grotesque creatures emerged. God was repulsed, but happy none the less.
The amphibians of the Lord Celestial Omnipotent Deific God had become big as modern day alligators, they ruled the land and the shallow seas. The waters were teeming with life. Any fisherman or diver of today would faint at the sheer diversity of species. God alone could see this. God was a happy camper.
God was tired, so, he took a nice steam bath. The climate on earth became hot and humid, perfect for plants. Giant megalithic trees began to rise, giant ferns hid dragonflies that would make most birds insecure and the first reptiles began to evolve. The reptiles would soon have their time.
The world was hot. The climate became dry, really dry. The amphibians began to decline because God found them passé. The sea levels dropped and some marine creatures began to die out. The reptile's time was close at hand.
The reptiles were now the rulers of the world. They grew to immense proportions and they ruled sea and sky. Giant herbivores like the Brachiosaurus evolved, so did massive predators of the sky like the Pterodactyl. Vicious predators like the speedy Velociraptor and the giant T-Rex also evolved; this was no time to be small and edible.
Small furry (and highly edible) creatures finally evolved. These furry creatures that God dubbed as Mammals were fast and nimble (they needed to be). No one knew that these small, furry and highly edible creatures would, one day, rule the world. If you said that in those times, you would get very funny looks (can't imagine any "funny look" a dinosaur might give).
The rule of the dinosaur ended much like all rules end: in an absolute catastrophe. God was a little bit too careless and let in a "small" space rock. BLAOW! All the (cold blooded) dinosaurs died from the giant dust cloud, which covered the skies. The little warm blooded creatures that had once been (literally) trodden on by the dinosaurs now rose to prominence. Countless generations would pass until the jewel of The Boundless Puissant God's creation would arise (from the mammalian line!)
God felt a little too warm, so, he made the world at least 20% cooler. The results were catastrophic. Most of the world froze over, only a small band around the equator had a temperate climate. It was from this band that apes rose to intelligence. The path to intelligence was a slow and gradual process.
Lucy started this trend. She was little more than an ape. God decided to let her walk upright. Her upright posture allowed her brain to grow. As she got smarter, her jaws became smaller, her cranium also enlarged. Now she could go on to the next phase.
Poor 'ol Lucy had finally become passé in God's eyes; make way for the handyman! The handyman (Homo Habilis) still looked very ape-like. He may have looked like an over glorified bipedal baboon, but, he was the master of tools. He used rocks, lots of rocks. Flints and stones and even FlintstonesTM were all fair game for this humanoid. He was a master, but all masters need apprentices that surpass them.
Enter Homo Erectus. He looked like Handyman without hair. He was extremely apelike, but more or less, human. He was smart, because he had to be (Predators Predators Everywhere!). He discovered fire. He had language. He had all the makings for a successful species. Homo Erectus spread throughout the world, from Britain to China to Java, Indonesia. Where Homo Erectus spread, he adapted. When he adapted he evolved more. At this God was pleased.
The evolution of man continued Homo Sapiens; the progeny of Homo Erectus. A few Homo Erectuses (or is it Erecti?) settled in Europe. They began to develop even more, their brain expanded and their structures increased. They began to live in caves in many parts of Europe. Their most prolific abode was the Neander Valley in Germany. These men were known as Neanderthal. The Neanderthal was the Homo Sapiens of Europe, the rest of the world had their own (less prolific) versions.
Homo Sapiens was truly smart but they lacked that certain something. God wanted to remedy this, so, he made Homo Sapiens (...wait for it...) Sapiens. While the other creatures in our line made what they could for survival, we made for other reasons. Previous hominids skinned animals and wore their hides for protection, we made fashion and wore it for vanity. We Homo Sapiens Sapiens have unfathomable potential. Where other species make do, we make more. We are the masters of our world. We have made plants grow in deserts, built structures that bring awe, we have split the atom and reached space. We built machines to do our work for us. We can do nearly anything (where there's a will there's a way), nothing is taboo. Now man is thinking of ways to transcend ourselves. Now we have augmented our bodies with machines, created (almost sentient) robots and even made synthetic life (search Craig Venter). At this God was worried. The Lord God then took a look at his almighty calendar and marked a date: December 21, 2012
The End
