Sharing

At the recent orientation for parents of new students into SHS-Ateneo de Cebu, I was asked to do the parent sharing bit. The topic was about helping your child to succeed and belong, which I thought was a very daunting topic. I hope I did it justice.


HELPING YOUR CHILD TO SUCCEED AND TO BELONG

(Fr. Manny, beloved teachers and admin staff, fellow parents, esteemed guests, good morning.)

My name is Kate Go, currently with the PTA Board and proud mother of a soon-to-be fifteen year old son who is entering 3rd year high school here at the Sacred Heart School-Ateneo de Cebu.

When I was asked to share with you my tips on "how to help your child to succeed and to belong", I thought that I would have my work cut out for me. For one thing, I thought it was a bit premature for me to talk about my child being successful since he is only 15 and still in that awkward stage of being not quite a child and not being quite a man either. I know that he still has so much to go through in life in order for him to reach his full potential.

So I thought I would just share with you today what it has been like to raise him and how he has been able to overcome the adversities that beset him in his young life.

From the start, my son Karwin’s upbringing has been an unusual one. I say unusual because unlike most children in this school, Karwin has been raised primarily by a single parent since he was 3 years old when his father and I separated. He practically grew up not knowing what having a father at home is like. Instead, he grew up with a household that consisted of his mom, his grandma and grandpa, his uncles, his yaya and driver who dote on him and a coterie of helpers who are so fond of him that they still call him by his baby name, much to his embarrassment. He grew up in a multi-generational household where he was the only child. He grew up being among adults and learned early on how to be respectful towards his elders and to be comfortable expressing his ideas clearly so that he could participate in conversations. He grew up interacting with our household help (maids, drivers, boys and gardeners) and their children. As a result, he has grown up to be compassionate and caring towards those with less in life. I have often found him in the kitchen bantering and joking with the staff. The African proverb that says “it takes a village to raise a child”, seems to be particularly true in my son’s case. He does not belong only to me but to an entire household that has taken him under their collective wing.

Another unusual thing that happened to Karwin when he was young was that he contracted a relatively rare affliction when he was 5. His left knee became inflamed and he started to limp. It got to the point where his left leg developed a contracture or was bent up to 60 degrees. It was painful for him and as a mother, I cannot begin to explain how hard it was to hear him cry at night when his knee would throb or to see him hop around on one leg because he could not put any weight on his left leg. Because of his young age, the doctors here in Cebu and Manila were puzzled by his condition and one even went as far as saying that Karwin’s condition might be Duchenne’s Dystrophy, a wasting disease that would be fatal when he reached his teens. So there was a lot of misdiagnosis at the beginning.

To make a long story short, he was properly diagnosed in Singapore as having Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (JRA) and given the proper treatment. He also needed to undergo a lot of physical therapy to straighten his leg, which continues to this day. But for much of his elementary years which he spent in St. Benedict, he was in a wheelchair, crutches and eventually a cane. He used to joke that he was like Dr. House from the TV show “House”. Because his balance was compromised, he slipped easily and he has even broken his leg once and his wrist another time.

It was not until he came to Sacred Heart School-Ateneo de Cebu where he had to walk long distances and was forced to exercise his legs more than usual that his condition greatly improved. Now, three years on, he is walking like most of the kids here except for a very slight limp. I am confident he will be able to walk quite normally in the near future.

Looking at my son now, a tall, strapping fellow with a very wicked sense of humor, I cannot help but thank the Lord every day that despite all that he went through as a young child, my son has managed to stay happy and full of excitement about life. He has many interests, among them scuba diving, photography, computers, music, food, travel, debate, and lately, drama club.

This talk was supposed to be about tips on helping your kid to succeed and to belong. I can only share with you what I and the village that raised him used to help him grow into the person he is now.

1. Be positive.

Children emulate the people around them and when they see only negative things, they tend to see the world in that light as well. Teach them to see the silver lining in every storm cloud. It is this ability which makes children learn to persevere because they know that things will get better.

2. Have a sense of humor.

This is particularly helpful in moments when one is under tremendous stress trying to balance making a living and raising a child or children. Try to find the fun in the most mundane things and laugh along with your child, even at their corny jokes. You might even want to crack corny jokes of your own back.

3. Understand what makes your child tick and give him/her the support needed

By this I mean that you try to find out what interests your child or where your child’s inclinations lie. If your child is good at singing, then encourage him to sing, buy her a guitar or some musical instrument so that he or she can accompany him/herself on it. If affordable, have your child/ren take singing lessons. If they seem to be quite agile, encourage them to go into sports, martial arts or other activities that play to their strengths. Having them do well in something in which they are naturally inclined will give them confidence and a sense of achievement.

4. Push them a little sometimes.

I know this is a bit controversial especially with the publication of the book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua.

I remember when my son took scuba lessons when he was 12. He was a natural in the water and easily learned the drills for breathing underwater. He did these with ease and confidence. Where he was stymied was when he had to jump from a boat to the water in what they call a “giant stride”. He could not bring himself to jump down this way and after 10 minutes, he chose to go down the ladder to the water. I thought to myself that this cannot be. How can he dive with other people if he cannot do a giant stride? So one time, we were at this resort that had a diving rock. The diving rock from which you launch yourself from is probably 12 feet from the water.

I brought my son there and said “Jump”. He look at me, terrified. I repeated “Jump. I know you are a good swimmer and I know you will not be hurt by this, otherwise I would not push you to do this.”

It took a while for me to convince him to do it…no, I did not push him myself (I didn’t want to traumatize him), I wanted him to do it on his own. I told him that this would change his life, and you know what? It did! After he finally jumped, after maybe 10 minutes or so of cajoling on my part, he found the courage to do it again, and again. The ‘fraidy cat had become fearless, sometimes so much so that he does things that make me freak out, but that’s another story.

5. Discipline your kids.

They must know what are acceptable behavior and what are not. If they learn this early on, their acceptance into different groups becomes much easier.

6. Let your kids know that you love and accept them.

I believe that children should have an anchor, a safe base from which they can launch themselves. And this anchor and safe base is the home where they feel loved and accepted. If they know this part well, they will have an easier time interacting with other people.

An important component of letting them know that you love and accept them is talking to them and listening to them. No matter how babaw or corny you think their topic is, try and listen to them. You’ll be surprised at how perceptive they are and marvel at their innocence and fresh perspective on this world of ours. Of course, to get them in the habit of talking to you, you must also talk to them and be in the habit of sharing with them about your day or about something that you found interesting in a magazine, a book or the internet. My parents did that with my siblings and I and I’ve done that with my own son, just as my brothers have with their own children. So far, we have not run out of things to say to each other. 

7. Finally, let our children know that the world does not revolve around them.

After we have instilled discipline, confidence and worked on the self esteem part, we have to make our children understand that there is a bigger world out there with concerns bigger than ourselves. Let them strive towards the Ignatian ideals of being men and women for others and Magis, which is to be more and do more. If we can instill these ideals in our children’s hearts, how can the world not become a better place?

Thank you very much for your kind attention.